Self Care in Postpartum Depression

Jimmy Eat World said it best:

I keep my focus on the simple things 
Try to find some peace along the way 
Wish I knew how long I'm supposed to wait 
Holding on but just barely 

. . . 

I'm doing the things I've been told everyday, everyday, everyday 
Then why does it feel like I'm moving in place, in a place, in a place 

I’m proud to have lasted 6 months postpartum before needing treatment. 100+ days with baby in the NICU and 2.5+ months as a caregiver for our baby with medical issues. The odds were against me, really, with increased risk for postpartum depression (28-70% for NICU Moms vs 10-15% for the general populace). Significant factors: earlier gestational age (✅), low birth weight (✅), and ongoing infant illness (✅). Although we do not lack social support, this experience can feel very isolating.

I could endure the fatigue, irritability, cognitive breakdown, detachment, and withdrawal, but suicidal ideation is when I know I need help. My own mind scares me. As long as I’m able to question the thought, I’m not acting on it. This is my brain protecting me from an onerous situation.

Here are some ways I’m trying to live well and manage stress while struggling with PPD.

Philosophy

I’ve been listening to the Stormlight Archive, super long fantasy books by one of my favorite authors Brandon Sanderson. Top notch character development. People are shaped and changed in surprising and beautiful ways. Where it feels there is no hope and no way to win, the tide turns. There’s also a lot of moral questions of responsibility, power, justification, and choice. I’ve been reminded of my own power to choose:

Life before death. Strength before weakness. Journey before destination.

Stormlight Archive, Brandon Sanderson

Right now I’m fighting this battle every day. Choose to live and keep surviving, even if living sometimes feels harder than not. Choose to hold on to what brings me strength instead of giving in to my destructive feelings. Be strong for my Baby. And maybe the hardest one: Choose the process instead of the outcome even when it’s laden with hardship and failure. It is also full of beauty, joy, and love.

Honestly the depression prevents me from seeing the “destination” anyway. While I’m in the midst of it I can’t imagine all of this difficulty being over, but logically it must end sometime. There is no story without all the middle.

Car Counseling

My BFF inspired me to try virtual sessions, which would allow easier access to therapy without the need to travel. I’ve named it “Car Counseling” because that’s where I usually end up for a private session.

This is the first time I’m seeing a therapist I specifically chose, rather than whoever is assigned. It’s also the first time I’m talking with a female therapist, and I really like that since we’re dealing with postpartum life. Jer convinced me that the cost is worth it.

My first session went well. I cried a lot and it was cathartic to not feel like I was burdening a friend with my worries or watching for my listener’s reaction. I could simply let it all out, and that impartial person handles the messiness with professionalism.

It meant so much to me that my therapist did not simply say, “Get some sleep” or “Eat better” or “Move your body”—things I hear all the time and find unhelpful.

“You’re in survival mode, and the most important thing you can do is keep surviving. … Having ideations is a normal response to the hardship and uncertainty of not knowing when it will end.”

I didn’t know how much I needed to hear this, and how much it made me feel like I’m not alone.

Running

The therapist mentioned having an outlet, and running is that for me. I feel my body reconnect with my brain while being outside. Sometimes 10 minutes is all I have, but when I’m gone for an hour and really able to let off steam I come back feeling relaxed and exhausted. Running gives me energy in the long term.

When I feel my body on edge the weather doesn’t deter me, so I’ve run in the rain with Baby or at night wearing lights. I’ve made my way back to our beloved canyon even in the dead of winter. I feel a sense of satisfaction, a familiarity like I’m getting closer to my old self, and I’m guaranteed a shower.

It feels so good to run again. I was just going to do a mile, but I couldn’t stop. Ended up finishing a 5k without stretching 😬 I’ve since done a few 3-5 milers when I’ve really needed to release my pent up frustration.

Streamlining A Task

We bought a Bottle Washer and enough bottles so that I’m not needing to wash everything right away, which saves my hands and sanity. Those changes alone have improved my mental health since I can possibly get more rest. Anything to make our life easier and more streamlined.

The bottle washer was worth every penny, I love this machine!!! After it washes I have it sanitize and dry as well, no greasy film or wondering whether I washed things correctly. All the pumping parts fit, plus binkies, bottles, mixing cups, and medicine syringes. I’m basically running it 24/7.

Simplifying Feeds

I’m not producing any milk so I’m finished pumping, and I have mixed feelings about that. We went through a stage where we thawed out the frozen milk supply, but that ended, too, and I grieved again. Now we’re doing feeds of just formula, and it’s a struggle every time we make changes with his milk because it takes him at least 2-7 days to get used to it without vomiting constantly.

I found it was hard to get up in the middle of the night to measure out what Baby needed to eat and create the milk mixes when I was so tired.

I even bought a formula mixing pitcher that can do the job with minimal air bubbles and takes less than a minute to mix. Preparing the feeds in batches and getting a whole bunch of bottles ready saves me so much time, and again- allows me to rest so that all I need to do is pop it in the warmer when I’m sleepwalking to the fridge at 2am.

The Highest Priority

This was my setup for stepping into the shower. I love that his bassinet is transportable for being at arm’s length like this when I’m without a helper. I don’t try this anymore though because he no longer tolerates it, and throws up in this position.

Showering is one of those self-care things that actually make a difference in my day, and I can feel like a real human being again instead of a barely functioning mommy-nurse-robot. If I can’t have sleep or rest, then the shower helps me reset to start the day that never ended. When it’s been a very tough day a shower feels like a big hug and boosts my morale.

Meal Planning

I made a Rotating Meal Plan that changes by the season, and Jer helped me revise it to work for our life right now. Less brain power needed to decide what’s for dinner each week, and easier grocery shopping. We kept Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Fridays the most convenient meals because those are our busiest and most burned out days.

After months of not having any time or energy to make meals, I’m just now starting to get back to cooking again. I’m needing to relearn some of my recipes I used often. We’re still utilizing some “Sister Costco” premade meals, but our family misses our homemade food. I made a goal to cook on weekends when I get help watching Baby.

Even this plan doesn’t work sometimes when I don’t have time and energy to cook, so we do leftovers and I grab food from somewhere.

Whatever

I order a sweet pork burrito smothered in enchilada sauce.

I try to relax my face, but that worry line might be permanent now, and I’m accepting that the back pain and shoulder / neck aches from holding Baby constantly aren’t going away either.

I finish a whole box of chocolate or an entire bag of SunChips all by myself.

I clean something. Maybe it’s a load of burp cloths soaked with vomit, or bed sheets with baby’s medicine stains on it. Usually it’s just making the pile of trash into a more contained pile of trash I can step around.

I listen to 55-hour audiobooks and fantasize about leaping off a ledge to fly in a canyon. I imagine Hawaii and how free I felt.

I cry. A lot. While praying for God to help me make it through one more day or one more setback because I can’t believe it’s here again.

When will life feel normal? When will I be ready to meet challenges instead of crawling to keep up?

I write just to get it out of my head and allow for my mind to have less. That’s all this is- a way for the overflow to keep from drowning my barely functioning brain.

I could really use your prayers.

Love, Kat