Peace in Chaotic Times
Sometimes I need to “fill my cup” when life gets heavy, and I’ve been able to do that in a few ways. I met up with friends for a hike in the woods around sunset, and that was so healing for my soul. We had General Conference where I felt so much love and inspiration, and a deeper connection with God. Our family has been reading the scriptures and praying together, and I think it helps us and the kids feel closer and more at peace. They have each come to me and told me how thankful they are to read scriptures together. We’ve resolved to find ways to pray always since in our family scripture study Christ has told us to pray always even in our hearts and also aloud and when we’re alone.
Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.
John 14:27
I needed this boost of spirituality. Heavy things have weighed on my heart lately. First is the chaos happening close to home. The UVU shooting was only about 10 minutes up the road from the hospital. That day I heard chatter from the nurses about it, and wondered if that was why all levels of the parking lot were full and it took me 20 minutes of driving around to find a spot. There was also a fatal open firing in a church of our faith in Michigan, just hours after the prophet President Nelson died. My family attends a meeting exactly like that one, that could have been our building that had this tragedy and got set on fire. This is the kind of stuff that happens far away from here, not in my world and neighborhood…
My sister was on UVU campus at the time of that shooting, but not at the rally. She’s still mentally recovering from another active shooter incident that happened while she was at work. I want her to love living here, but how can I when it’s no longer safe? I can’t imagine how scary Utah seems now that she has already been through two of these shootings since she moved here at the beginning of the year.
It’s caused some uproar and political upset locally. Billboards went up celebrating this polarizing man who some wanted to rename streets and the university to honor. In a twist of fate, this guy who championed for gun rights and said that a few people’s lives might be sacrificed for the right to bear arms was himself martyred by a gun. I knew nothing of this person before this event, but many of his statements and debates were shocking and disturbing to me. I didn’t think I had enough information to feel one way or another about him, but I felt disappointed seeing the contention, argument, and anger from both sides within my own friends and neighbors.
A dear friend of mine Myrna Graff passed away recently, and I miss her so much. She was our Bishop’s wife in the singles ward that Jer and I both attended in CA. Their home was so inviting for dinner and spiritual firesides. They set a good example of a strong loving marriage. The last time we saw them together was for a wedding after they retired here, and we all celebrated reuniting with so many friends from “back home”. When Bishop Graff passed away we paid our respects at the funeral, and though Myrna was positive and gracious nothing was ever the same.
Myrna developed dementia and I would visit her at the senior care center nearby with flowers or a treat. She loved to show me her pictures and tell me stories of him, but she would tell me how much she missed her eternal companion and the home they built. They had to sell it because she couldn’t live independently anymore, and that upset her greatly to not be in her home. I could see her getting frustrated when she had a thought to express but it wouldn’t pass her lips. Some visits we wouldn’t say anything, and I’d just hold her hand and tell her I love her. I didn’t go to her funeral, I just cried and felt my heart ache. I can’t be too sad- she’s joyful and whole with her sweetheart now.
This in addition to the burnout I’m experiencing in Survival mode. I eat, shower, get dressed- but only because it’s required to see my baby or make food for him. If he didn’t need me to be clean for him or have “three good meals” to make milk, I wouldn’t have the energy to do it. I pray night and day to have strength and get through my ups and downs. I have so much help and support, I’m just trying so hard and it feels like it’s so little but it’s my all.
This is what is getting me through and bringing me hope each day…
Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.
Matthew 11:28-30
Love, Kat
