Why I Believe: My Kindness Shall Not Depart From Thee
I am a child of God
Trigger warning: this mentions serious issues of abuse and traumatic events.
It’s taken me months to write this post, but it’s an important topic I can’t skip. I hope it gives a bit of insight into “Why I Believe“.
“For a little while have I forsaken thee;
Isaiah 54:7-8
But with great mercies will I gather thee.
In a little wrath I hid my face from thee
For a moment.”
At age five, my main concerns were getting more cotton-candy scented “A+” stamps on my kindergarten work, and how to play the pink Power Ranger again at recess. I had a crush on my best friend’s older brother, who was really nice to me even though he was a sixth grader. Maybe my feelings were completely obvious since his friends seemed to tease him about me while the door where we played across the hall was open, and he just smiled and winked at me. The unseen part of this otherwise happy childhood memory is I was only five years old when I became a survivor of sexual abuse and child molestation. I knew and trusted my abuser, my best friend’s older brother who lived across the street and had been nice to me. He threatened me that I should never tell anyone, and honestly I never wanted anyone to know.
I wanted life to go on normally, and outwardly it seemed that way. Out of shame and guilt I kept the secret surrounding the horrible experience for over 10 years, a majority of my adolescence. Harboring such trauma that young for that long meant I suffered vivid nightmares reliving the experience every night for years—even after we both moved away. I completely denied it and convinced myself I had an overactive imagination, just so I could make it another day. The details were so clear, even down to the smells. The sequence of events was always the same, like conjuring from a memory rather than a malleable imagination. I only recently learned that these nightmares are hallmark identifiers of PTSD, and keeping them to myself meant they repeated because they were never resolved. 25 years later, this is the first time I’m acknowledging the truth in writing—attempting to “resolve”. Here I found God in my personal darkness, leading me through quiet desperation to healing and peace.
“Though thine afflictions seem
Doctrine & Covenants 122:7-9, Isaiah 54:10
At times too great to bear,
I know thine every thought and every care.
And though the very jaws
Of hell gape after thee I am with thee.
And with everlasting mercy
will I succor thee,
And with healing will I take thee
‘neath my wings.
Though the mountains shall depart,
And the hills shall be removed,
And the valleys shall be lost beneath the sea,
Know, my child,
My kindness shall not depart from thee!”
For a girl whose name means “Pure”, and never having any kind of discussion in my home about sexuality especially at that age, becoming a young sexual abuse survivor was confusing and especially destructive to my self worth. I was never told that’s what my name meant, nor was this trait emphasized by anyone—doing good and being good was just something that was naturally important to me. At age 15 I wanted to understand people (starting with myself), and so I learned the meaning of my name and grappled with whether it fit me or not.
Around the same time, I was old enough to get a special blessing at church called a Patriarchal Blessing containing guidance, answers, and promises. At the time, I was vigorously struggling with the nightmares again, and my self worth suffered from questions like “Why did my abuser choose me? How could I have prevented it? Why do I feel the need for love but completely undeserving of it?” There are no answers, I was five years old! I fasted and prayed privately about my worries, still not having told anyone about what happened. The very first thing spoken in my blessing was so tender and meaningful to me, and filled me with tears I was so touched. He called me by name and used the exact words of “purity” and worthiness. God revealed some of our inside conversations that no one else would know. I knew God was there, listening to the thoughts of my heart. I knew He knew me. I knew God loved me. It was a small and simple thing I needed to hear with a lasting impact. Answering my prayers in my patriarchal blessing gave me the courage to finally share my secret with my Bishop who listened kindly to me and offered the assurance that it was not my fault and I was worthy and clean before God. Telling someone felt freeing. I went home and told my father. He hugged me and we cried together.
“How long can rolling waters
Doctrine & Covenants 122:7-9
remain impure?
What pow’r shall stay the hand of God?
The Son of Man hath descended below all things,
Art thou greater than He?”
Why do I believe in a loving Heavenly Father when terrible things happen?
The gift of choice means that people can hurt other people. Not going to lie, some days I wanted justice, but every day I wanted healing. Everything in the gospel and Christ’s atonement supports healing for the innocent and also healing for the offender. I was told every week that I am a child of God or daughter of God, that God created me, knows me, cherishes me, can restore to me what no one could ever give back to me, and give me value that nothing could ever take away from me—these truths were so powerful in surviving an experience like this, especially without professional help. I felt my Savior holding me. I felt His assurance in the scriptures that He would trade my pain for hope.
“So hold on thy way,
Doctrine & Covenants 122:7-9
For I shall be with thee.
And mine angels shall encircle thee.
Doubt not what thou knowest,
Fear not man, for he
Cannot hurt thee.”
I had to keep re-learning some things. It was not my fault. I am of of infinite worth just by virtue of being me. I am more than what happened to me. I am loved. It will all work out in the end. Someday I will be okay.
“And with everlasting kindness
Doctrine & Covenants 122:7-9
will I succor thee,
And with mercy will I take thee‘
neath my wings.
For the mountains shall depart,
And the hills shall be removed,
And the valleys shall be lost beneath the sea,
But know, my child,
My kindness shall not depart from thee!”
The personal trial is over and with God’s help I had overcome—or so I thought… I was blindsided when fast forward to college, I cried through my tears in the pitch black to the guy I was dating, “No, no, no” over and over again, pushing away but physically unable to just get up and leave the situation. There was nowhere to go. “Yes yes yes” he teased, like he thought I was joking and he was just joking back. My pleadings quietly faded into nothing as he violated me anyway. I had flashbacks from being 5 years old again, and my body completely shut down in defense. I felt nothing, simply floating above the scene separate from what was happening to the body I didn’t want to go back to, this body I had worked so hard to protect and restore my purity to. He wondered why my body wasn’t responding like he thought it should. Wasn’t I enjoying this experience, too? Fear, inner turmoil, unwanted touch, and being an unwilling participant can kill the mood I guess. He got what he wanted and that seemed to be the only thing that mattered to him.
Afterward, I started the cycle of, “This is my fault,” and “I’m unworthy” again. There could be consequences—my mind jumped to illogical conclusions like I could be kicked out of school, I ruined my chance to go to the temple, and whoever my future husband could have been wouldn’t want me anymore. I gave up, distancing myself from God to make the best out of my situation. I believed this boyfriend who kept painting a picture of us having a life together, shocked to hear him tell me he “didn’t love me yet, wouldn’t I stick around so he could find out?” That helped me snap out of the love hallucinations! I realized how very little my boyfriend cared for me, that I couldn’t even excuse his behavior as some lusty passionate need to love me because apparently it was meaningless. Now there was nothing to show for the trauma I suffered. My hurt quickly ripened to fiery indignation. No one—least of all him—would ever touch me again unless I wanted it. I deserved better. The anger allowed me to detach, cut off all contact, and see the unromantic experience for what it truly was—using me in sexual assault. I knew and trusted my abuser, who I dated and looked up to until my will and body were not as important as his.
“Will ye not now return unto me, and repent of your sins, and be converted, that I may heal you?”
3 Nephi 9:13
I wanted God but I didn’t know how. I sought healing, knowing that it worked for me before, but my resolve wavered. I felt utterly worthless, defiled, unclean… whatever. Mostly I felt lost and ready to give up on my pursuit of goodness since it didn’t seem to protect me. But God found me again in a song. It was playing in Conference and was written to the words of Doctrine and Covenants 122, when a good person going through some tough things felt forsaken and alone much like I did. “My Kindness Shall Not Depart From Thee” spoke to my soul, saying “I know that being made whole seems impossible, but in me all things are possible.” It meant not to give up because He would not give up on me, and there was something much better waiting for me.
“I will turn their mourning into joy, and will comfort them, and make them rejoice from their sorrow. For I have satiated the weary soul, and I have replenished every sorrowful soul.”
Jeremiah 31:13, 25
I trusted God, and I can tell you He kept that promise to me. After much work with my bishop and daily struggle, I returned to my close relationship with my Heavenly Father. My prayers grew again. I heard His answers to me in my scriptures again. I continually found healing in Christ’s atonement each week which is not just for sinners, but also for the broken heart and contrite spirit. I learned very personally what that meant.
When things on the inside made peace, things on the outside kind of fell into place. My future husband and I came back into each other’s lives, both able and ready to love each other fully. He respects me and my body. I found true acceptance, friendship, who I truly am, and an enduring love in our time together. I see my husband as one of the greatest “My Kindness” promises from God to me, the blessing and goodness in my life that I thought I didn’t deserve but absolutely needed.
The scriptures talk about our refining fires being for our profit and learning. I learned what God’s love feels like, what the spirit sounds like, and my divine worth as a child of God. I learned what it feels like to have a truly broken heart so that I might mourn with those that mourn. I learned I want my body to be treated with respect so that I could find worthwhile relationships. I felt the grace and power of Christ’s atonement for me as He helped me make the changes I needed to in my life to return to Him.
“Cast[…] all your care upon him; for he careth for you.” “God shall wipe away all tears from [your] eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.”
1 Peter 5:7, Revelation 21:4
I hope that my story is just one small example of God’s light in this vast universe. I know His Kindness is for all His children… especially you. God is waiting to hear your questions and struggles so He can stretch forth His power to heal and bless you, too.
Thank you to those who have given me the strength and courage to write about this deeply personal subject on my journey to peace. For more stories like these, please see “Why I Believe“.
