Self Care in Postpartum Depression

6 months postpartum and I’m kind of proud I’ve lasted this long before needing treatment. Only after 100+ days with baby in the NICU and 2.5+ months as a caregiver for our baby with medical issues did I develop postpartum depression.

The odds were against me, really. NICU Moms are at an increased risk for PPD, 28-70% compared with 10-15% for the general populace. Significant factors: earlier gestational age (check), low birth weight (check), and ongoing infant illness (checkity-check). Although we do not lack social support, this experience can feel very isolating.

I could accept symptoms like fatigue, irritability, cognitive breakdown, detachment, and withdrawal. However, the first signs of suicidal ideation is when I know my efforts are not enough and I need help. My own mind scares me. As long as I’m able to question the thought, I’m not acting on it. This is my brain protecting me from an onerous situation.

Here are some ways I’m trying to live well and manage stress while struggling with postpartum depression.

Car Counseling

I used to prefer therapy in person at an office to be able to read body language and feel the air in the room change, but my BFF inspired me to try virtual sessions. If I don’t need to travel, I would have easier access to help and be more likely to use it. I’ve named it “Car Counseling” because the car seems like the perfect low key spot for processing emotions in privacy.

This is the first time I’m seeing someone I specifically chose, rather than whoever is assigned to a location. This therapist specializes in postpartum life, which seemed like we’d have a higher chance of meshing well. It’s the first time I’m talking with a female therapist, and I really like that.

My first session went well. Of course I cried a lot and it was cathartic to not feel like I was burdening a friend with my worries or watching for my listener’s reaction. I could simply let it all out, and that impartial person would already know how to handle the messiness. It meant so much to me that my therapist did not simply say, “Get some sleep” or “Eat better” or “Move your body”—things I hear all the time and find unhelpful. “You’re in survival mode, and the most important thing you can do is keep surviving. … Having ideations is a normal response to the hardship and uncertainty of not knowing when it will end.” I didn’t know how much I needed to hear this, and how much it made me feel like I’m not alone.

Running

The therapist mentioned having an outlet. Running is that for me; it helps me get outside, and feel my body reconnect with my brain. Jer watches Baby while I take in fresh air. Sometimes 10 minutes is all I have, but when I’m gone for an hour and really able to let off steam I come back feeling exhausted and relaxed. Running can both take a lot of energy and also give me energy in the long term.

Crossed off another thing on my Joy Bingo Card. It feels so good to run again. I was just going to do a mile, but I couldn’t stop. Ended up finishing a 5k without stretching 😬 I’ve since done a few 3-5 milers when I’ve really needed to regulate my pent up frustration.

Since it’s one of my go-to things from before Baby, there’s not much to prepare—just slip on some shoes and GO. When I feel my body on edge I don’t care what it’s like out there, so I’ve gone on runs in the rain with the Baby or at night with lights. I’ve made my way back to our beloved canyon even in the dead of winter. I feel a sense of satisfaction, a familiarity like I’m getting closer to my old self, and I’m guaranteed a shower.

Streamlining A Task

We bought a Bottle Washer and enough bottles so that I’m not needing to wash everything right away, which saves my hands and sanity. Those changes alone have improved my mental health since I can possibly get more rest. Anything to make our life easier and more streamlined.

The bottle washer was worth every penny, I love this machine!!! After it washes I have it sanitize and dry as well, no greasy film or wondering whether I washed things correctly. All the pumping parts fit, plus binkies, bottles, mixing cups, and medicine syringes. I’m basically running it 24/7.

Simplifying Feeds

I’m finished with pumping and not producing any milk, which inspires mixed feelings in me. We went through a stage where we thawed out the frozen milk supply, but that ended, too, and I grieved again. Now we’re doing feeds of just formula, and it’s a struggle every time we make changes with his milk because it takes him at least 2-7 days to get used to it without vomiting constantly.

I found it was hard to get up in the middle of the night to measure out what Baby needed to eat and create the milk mixes when I was so tired.

I even bought a formula mixing pitcher that can do the job with minimal air bubbles and takes less than a minute to mix. Preparing the feeds in batches and getting a whole bunch of bottles ready saves me so much time, and again- allows me to rest so that all I need to do is pop it in the warmer when I’m sleepwalking to the fridge at 2am.

The Highest Priority

This is my setup just about to step into the shower. I love that his bassinet is transportable for being at arm’s length like this when I’m without a helper.

Showering is one of those self-care things that actually make a difference in my day, and I can feel like a real human being again instead of a barely functioning mommy-nurse-robot. If I can’t have sleep or rest, then the shower helps me reset to start the day that never ended. When it’s been a very tough day a shower feels like a big hug and boosts my morale.

Meal Planning

I made a Rotating Meal Plan that changes by the season, and Jer helped me revise it to work for our life right now. Less brain power needed to decide what’s for dinner each week, and easier grocery shopping. We kept Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Fridays the most convenient meals because those are our busiest and most burned out days.

After months of not having any time or energy to make meals, I’m just now starting to get back to cooking again. I’m needing to relearn some of my recipes I used often. We’re still utilizing some “Sister Costco” premade meals, but our family misses our homemade food. I made a goal to cook on weekends when I get help watching Baby.

Feeding Therapy

Recognizing that the chronic feeding issues we’re dealing with are not normal or easy is helping me to accept my big feelings about it. Our feeding therapist says that people get very emotional when it comes to eating disorders.

Honestly it felt validating to hear the feeding therapist tell me that we are facing THE hardest issue she treats. It feels hard, I hoped it wasn’t just my own imagination.

-Kat