Mommy Tantrum

I feel so much all the time, and can’t seem to get my emotions under control. My thoughts spiral out until I physically would have to run away to a quiet place where I could be alone and think through my feelings. There were so many extra symptoms I had no idea if it was from being sick, COVD-19, that time of the month, or a combo. It got to the point that I took a pregnancy test.

Honestly, I was looking for an explanation because this can’t be who I really am, can it? A grown parent who has embarrassing outbursts and can’t “regulate”? The other day I had a straight-up Mommy tantrum. I walked into the loft and ended up flying into a rage about the kids’ toys. Something like this…

What’s this banana peel doing here? They know no food upstairs. How many times do I need to yell about these LEGOs? Where did this gash come from?? Why are all the DVDs from the library all over the floor? Didn’t I tell ______ to put this away? Didn’t _____ say they put this away? And they want MORE LEGO’s for Christmas? And we’re paying HOW MUCH for these when they can’t even take care of the ones they have??? Why is everything always needing to be cleaned? Why doesn’t anyone ever listen to me???????????

By then I was so worked up that I’d be in my room in a corner just crying. And then I’d get angry—a righteous indignation—determined to DO something about this. I told Jeremy that I didn’t care how much we paid for the toys, I wanted them GONE. If the kids couldn’t put them away, they didn’t need them. Starting with all those LEGOs.

Jeremy looked at me with questioning- should he follow me into my crazy? The kids started scurrying, crying at the prospect of losing their toys, and he had to be like, “No honey, let’s just put that in your backpack.” I knew I was being irrational, I knew it was illogical, and yet… I hastily shoved all those LEGOs into whatever bins and buried them in the garage where no one would dare to cross me.

I really miss being able to react logically.

Guessing a lot of this has to do with what’s going on in life right now. The stress is… WHOO! A special kind of Holiday stress. I’m not recovered enough to get my physical wellness together, or my house in order, or reign in the chaos haha. Sleeping is like my major goal in life, feels like I haven’t slept in ages and just can’t get enough. Anyways, even though not everything is okay at the moment I’m trying to get out of it and hopefully this, too, shall pass.