Pregnancy Week 27: Hospital Stay

At the beginning of this week, Jer told me he’s proud of me and that I’ve been so good last week helping with cooking and stuff. He also said I need to take it easy. 

Queue the foreshadowing.

In Too Deep

Pregnancy anxiety is what I struggle with this week. I got a little scared from feeling those Braxton hicks practice contractions more. Like every night, for hours. I missed the boys’ soccer games and needed help cleaning up after dinners to just lie down, but even that didn’t help. Deep breathing and meditation, taking a warm shower, watching a show, and even relaxing for most of the day still brought them on.

Thursday I went to Costco and lifted a box into the car that was heavier than I expected, and that felt straining in all the wrong ways so I had to go sit for a bit in the car to calm myself from panicking.

There were things I wanted to clean in our house but couldn’t, bike tires needed to be fixed or I’d need to do drives to school, Jer brought home a tarantula which I expressly had forbidden so I was very upset about that, I couldn’t cook things because the oven needed cleaning but the fumes are bad for baby, all the unexpected costs straining the budget, and even in my fictional escapes I got strangely invested in Belly-Conrad-Jeremiah drama. I felt like everything was so out of control and this irresistible urge to just do even without help, so I could relieve my own stress. I was likely spiraling bringing the vacuum cleaner down flights of stairs, bending down to suck crumbs and wipe cabinets and move shoes.

My therapist is gone. I didn’t want to burden my friends who are also going through so much. I called my sister Adelyn in tears of overwhelm. She listened so lovingly and didn’t try to fix things which I appreciated. Venting and speaking about my feelings with her as an uninvolved adult helped pull me from the spiral and clear my thinking enough to make another phone call.

Professional Help

While I called my doctor about the changes in my discharge and the Braxton hicks, I internally blamed myself for all this. The nearest hospital I got checked out at sent me home because there were no contractions during my observation and they couldn’t poke around my cervix with a fetal fibernectin test or cervix check without possibly initiating labor. I got to experience some of their facility and realized that I liked the Provo hospital’s warmth and size a lot more, or maybe it was just more familiar and comforting to me instead of feeling cliched sterile (there was a metal chute in the toilet) and too small (the cafeteria).

Within 40 minutes of being discharged, I started leaking fluids every 20 minutes. Odorless, colorless, enough to soak. That’s never happened before- I was paying for my food in line at Costa Vida, and wanted to at least try my food first. Leaking fluids was on the “go back to labor and delivery” list, so I called my doctor’s office to double check because I did NOT want to go back.

“Sounds like amniotic fluid, buckle up you will probably be staying.”

We don’t ever bring anything with us when going to the hospital, but this morning I was prompted to look at a hospital bag packing checklist so I packed in 15 minutes. L’s babysitting job just happened to get canceled last minute so she was able to watch the boys while we headed to the hospital. I wasn’t sure who to share this with, like my parents or my RS president.

First Night at the Hospital

I’m not ready.

It’s too soon.

This is all my fault.

I tried to not be scared or stressed or anxious, and instead be accepting and open and grateful. It’s honestly such a mix of feelings that are hard for me to manage in a situation that’s my worst nightmare. I thought I could rely on our past experience “we’ve done this before and know what to expect and it’s going to be okay.” Every time I come to the hospital somehow it’s earlier than I could imagine, and that becomes new uncharted territory where the past experience is just remembering how much I hate needles. I’m probably a wimp when it comes to pain especially when I’m not feeling prepared- so the IV (they split a vein so I had to do it multiple times), the intense steroid injection, taking magnesium sulfate and the UN-fun symptoms of that I wasn’t expecting, being hooked up to monitors with the belly band on so tight… all of it together at the same time was so hard to push through and know that this is just the beginning.

But we made it through the night. I had the best nurse named Whitney who made me feel so comfortable and reassured me when all the hard parts came including a giant needle in my hip for the steroid, or bringing me warming pads to ease the tenderness in my IV area on my arm, or bringing me apple juice to fight the metallic taste of magnesium sulfate and cooling my forehead with a cold cloth when it felt like I was breathing fire and lava was flowing from my crotch I was so hot. She told Jer that the first 30mins are intense flu symptoms and feeling like you got hit by a train. All accurate. When I recovered a bit from that, we were able to laugh and joke around and she even laughed at Jeremy’s jokes. Super responsive checking up on me and answering any questions with helpful explanations. She was seriously the best!!! 

Hospital Day 2

I was able to handle life better after getting a little bit of sleep, having the magnesium sulfate clear off, getting a blessing, eating, visiting with our best friends, and meeting with my doctor who was seriously amazing.

First the blessing. It talked about how I’ve done such a good job to do everything I can to take care of myself and my baby, that I’ve done my part and now it’s time to trust. The Lord knows my stresses and concerns about things at home, work, the kids, and more—trust in Him to take care of all of it, and that you can rest. Trust that the people and experts charged with my and our baby’s health will be blessed to know how to best care for us. Trust that we are where we need to be, and that baby will come in due time. Hearing these blessings from my Father in Heaven was so powerful to helping me feel safe and secure and mentally okay again.

I’m not sure where these people come from, but we’ve interacted with some of the most exceptional staff who give me comfort that they will do their job well. The blessing helped me look for them.

One is my doctor for the next few days, who took time to really talk with me—none of this rushed pressured quick chat but like a lingering discussion where he was the one encouraging me to open up. He didn’t have any paperwork with him, but from his questions I knew he had studied my chart and my history which I was relieved I didn’t have to repeat to him. He wanted to get to know me, asked about my job because I asked about if I’m cleared for work (answer: only if it’s not stressful and only if I want to). I asked him, knowing what I’m going through, what would be his advice and recommendation to me. It didn’t take him long to answer, but it was a thoughtful response:

“It’s common for people to say, ‘Oh if I hadn’t done this thing, I wouldn’t be here’. But that’s just not true. You didn’t do anything to end up here. Your ability to handle stress did not bring you here. The truth is every Mom has stress; so many out there deal with debilitating stress like homelessness and drug addiction and abuse, but they are not here. You have no factors for preterm labor, just that this is how your body reacts to being pregnant 4 times now. And even then it’s all new and different circumstances, as this is the first time your water has broken early. So just assuage the Mom Guilt. It doesn’t fix it, but I wish we had more control over preterm pregnancy and labor- it’s just something that happens and it’s your challenge.” Something like that.

He was very reassuring and knew exactly what to say for easing my stress and self blame. Without my having to ask, Doctor explained why they put me on antibiotics (prolongs pregnancy when amniotic fluid is low) and prevent infection which would send me into labor, why the dreaded Magnesium sulfate (to protect against brain bleeds for babies under 32 weeks but needs to be administered every time we think I might deliver shortly). He even brought out the ultrasound machine to confirm that baby is head down so that in case it’s needed we would be able to try a vaginal delivery. He encouraged me in being flexible about the epidural if we can so I don’t go into an emergency situation. Maybe I just came off super stressed and needing some extra TLC from my health care providers, but I really appreciated how much effort this doctor put into caring for me. And he took that time after just coming from a delivery!

Our first short-term goal is to stay pregnant for the next 36 hours. Slowly over the course of today they’ve taken the IV away and taken me off the difficult medications, and I feel more human.

We received an outpouring of love from our friends, family, and neighbors. Seeing the Dunns today and talking, laughing, hugging them made my day. I loved squeezing my kids and we got to keep reading Narnia together, and watched a little TV as they told me about their day. My sister sacrificed so much of her rare free time this first week to help us with the kids while Jer spends as much time as he can with me and goes to work. She walked in to my hospital room and said how nice my “penthouse room” is—it really has such beautiful views! My client sent me a gorgeous vase of one of my favorite flowers (roses) that have filled my room with a beautiful scent and loveliness.

Jer got special permission from the nurses because I’m a “longer term” patient here to be able to wheel me down to the cafeteria and duck pond for dinner with our family. We ate our grilled sandwiches / work leftovers while admiring the ducks and lily pads. It felt like a special and positive start to a potentially long stay, and grew gratitude in my heart to be part of those moments where we laughed together like we normally do.

I can stay pregnant.

I didn’t do anything to end up here.

I can rest by trusting in the Lord.

Love, Kat