The Summer I Turned 37

The longer I live the more beautiful life becomes.

Frank Lloyd Wright

Dear Journal,

I am very thankful to celebrate another birthday. My family made me feel so special while I took it easy. Jer carried on our tradition since before we married and made birthday breakfast crepes with peaches and blueberries. He cleaned out his side of the closet that drives me crazy and gifted me a nice decluttered closet (I LOVE IT!).

I’ve been thinking about the changes from last year to now. My Word of the Year is “TRY”. I remember sharing it with my therapist, and how I didn’t want to talk about it because I wasn’t sure if it was a good enough word that would actually make a difference for me. Haven’t I always tried, maybe even tried too much or tried too hard? Is trying powerful enough to create change in my life?

It’s been 8 months since then, and it must have been the right word because TRY has continued to guide me. Try wanting something and not being afraid of difficulties or the unknown. Here’s one I’ve been passionate about because I feel the urge so strongly: Try in strengthening my relationship with God and my family. It’s meant changing my priorities and putting the time and effort in. Try opening myself up to what I think is impossible. I love how trying has helped me recognize opportunities instead of dismissing them, especially when it comes to connecting with my kids and having a longer term perspective.

Try means trusting in what I can’t control, and I’m getting so much practice with that since we decided to have another child. My body is growing a beautiful baby boy now instead of running that marathon I thought I was going to train for. I am so grateful to have this chance to be a mother again. Despite being geriatric and high risk, I am healthy and stronger in many ways and have been able to enjoy miles of hiking during this pregnancy, and that has been a miracle!

Try means that even though things come to an end or don’t happen as I expect, they can be worthwhile. Recently I ended a 20+ year friendship, and that was hard. Needing to slow down has changed so much of what I picture as “good enough” or “done is better than perfect.” I’m trying to listen more openly to those I love, even when the words and meaning are difficult to accept or understand. I am no longer a big part of Relief Society at church, but I loved caring for the women in our ward, visiting with them in their homes and the hospital, connecting together in lessons and meetings, getting to know everyone outside of my comfort zone, strengthening my own spirituality with theirs.

37 years old and I’m still learning a lot—about myself, parenting, and friendship. I’m trying my best to process my own needs, thoughts, and feelings so that I can express them well and not freak out inside my own head. It’s a lot of work and filtering, but so worth it to not get caught up in my own issues and avoid misunderstandings.

The Lord loves effort, because effort brings rewards that can’t come without it. […] It takes effort, a lot of hard work, a lot of study, and there’s never an end. That’s good! That’s good, because we’re always progressing. Even in the next life we’re making progress.

Russell M. Nelson

Last of all, TRY means not giving up—which no matter what I’m facing I always feel the urge to do, especially when I’m almost at the end but I just don’t have anything left in me and the thoughts are getting dark… and that’s when God steps in and lifts me, holds me, encourages me, reminds me not to give up I’m almost there. One more corner, one more mile, one more level, one more breath. I know He has me, and all my loved ones, and all the things I can’t see or understand or control. He’s got it, and it’s something greater than I can imagine.

Love, Kat