Ramblings of an Anxious Heart

Dear Journal,

I’ve been thinking lately, and questioning the thoughts. There’s a certain restlessness, a heaviness in mind and spirit, a held breath, then a mad sustained dash until exhaustion or the finish line. How do I calm the unease brewing inside? I feel it growing trying to take shape, waiting in the wings of the future but always at the edge of my knowing.

There are signs. My body is telling me I’m stressed- a weakened immune system and stress triggering cold sores. My cycle getting thrown off. I’m healing quickly from a twisted ankle, but my energy is unpredictable. Patience wearing to a thread. Thoughts becoming less clear and more urgent. The erratic impulse I have to hide under the covers some days. A conscious order to Breathe because I realize it’s stuck. I try not to make too much of it or attach anything to myself; this doesn’t mean anything about me, it’s just something I’m working through.

Steady on. I crave the slow and quiet. Just stop this train, it’s moving too fast. Instead I have to ask God to help us… help ME… have the strength and fortitude to do what I need to do when I need to do it. I always feel the better for it once it’s over and done with, but in that moment and leading up to it I carry the weight of the task before me. Good tasks, things I normally want to be a part of. Procrastination is my deceptive companion. Thankfully the kids can sometimes make their lunch in the morning. Thankfully Jeremy can whip up dinner or tells me he will take care of whatever it is. He lifts with me, and doesn’t judge me in my hour of need. Instead he tells me he’s got this, and that he loves me so much. It’s just what I needed to hear, I feel so relieved and loved, and like things will be okay.

I’m so thankful for the little breaks in between that help me feel like I can let go— times when Jeremy and the kids are home and we can just lie around and read together. There will always be needs where there is love, in the home and beyond. I limp along one moment of reprieve for the next sprint. A little yoga here, a bit of dancing there, a chapter here, the cold air on a walk there, a family game here, and some new music there. The sun in my face despite the cold mountain air. We must take the small pleasures in life where we can.

I have decided to avoid social media as much as possible and use books as a replacement.

I have decided to just let big decisions wait.

I have decided a rug that I was obsessing about is not as big of a deal as I thought.

I am trying to forgive myself for buying the gorgeous 100% wool rug, and then forcing Jer and I to go through the pains of returning it. I got too stressed about taking care of it when we have a dog and kids and it’s in a high traffic area, needing to have it professionally cleaned, not being able to vacuum it with the normal brush roller, having no idea what to do if the dog barfs or has an accident on it. Jer and I would both freak out on the kids or the dog, and it wouldn’t even be their fault; we just chose to have a rug that doesn’t go well with them… so it had to go.

I will try NOT to attempt to tell the future or revisit the past. I can only control here and now. I can try to be prepared, and let go of the rest.

I will try to put less effort into what/who I can’t rely on so that it doesn’t bother me as much.

My best deserves to go to what/who gives me the best.

These ramblings are getting out of hand. Anyways, I’m trying to hang in there and not wear myself out. I can’t complain- and maybe I am creating problems for myself- but there are many things for me to be grateful for each day that help me keep going. I am looking forward so much to Friday when I get to go to the temple.

Love, Kat